Sexual Consent 101

Sexual consent is an active, mutual process of negotiating if and how we are (or are not) going to be sexual with each other.

Sexual consent is about everyone who is involved having options and being to make their own choices.

Sexual consent is a shared responsibility:

• Each person needs to ask for consent any time they want to do something.

• No one should have anything done to them, or with them, without their consent.

When there is an invitation of sex of any kind, and the answer on everyone’s part is an enthusiastic, resounding “Yes” — that’s consent.

#1 Nothing makes consent a given

• Being someone’s girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse, does not give anyone consent.

• Someone loving you or saying they love you doesn’t mean they have your sexual consent, or that you have theirs.

• Having one kind of sex does not mean you consent to another kind.

• No one is ever “owed” sex. If someone has had any type of sex before, that does not mean they must consent to sex again with that same person, or with anyone else.

#2 Consent must be the subject of an explicit request

If you want to do something, ask your partner first, and be specific.

Ask your partner what they want to do, when, where and how, and also express your wishes:

"Have you done (sexual activity) before?

What did you like or dislike about it?"

"Are you interested in using sex toys?

Have you ever used them?"

"What is it about this sexual activity that you enjoy or are curious about?

What are your hopes and expectations for this experience?"

Questions like these can give you useful info about your partner’s desires. The more you know about your partner’s desires, and the more you can tell them about yours, the easier it will be to create experiences that leave you both smiling.

#3 Consent must be informed

Consent requires voluntary, informed, mutual, sober, honest, enthusiastic, and verbal agreement.

A person who is asleep, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or or incapacitated for any other reason, cannot consent.

For something to be consensual, there cannot be any manipulation, coercion or force involved. Talking someone into something or tricking them is not consent.

If someone is very upset, sick, grieving, scared, or unable to fully understand what’s being asked of them they cannot fully consent.

A person under the legal minimum age of consent, cannot consent.

In order to consent, people also need to understand the possible risks or consequences that may be part of what they’re being asked to do.

#4 A lack of no does not mean yes

Consent means asking each other questions.

If we don’t ask, and the other person says nothing, that does not mean there was consent.

If we ask and the other person doesn’t respond or doesn’t give us a clear “yes”, that is not consent.

Silence, or a lack of resistance, also does not equal consent.

It is important not to make assumptions. If there is confusion or ambiguity, you need to stop and talk about each person’s willingness to continue.

Only move forward with someone else if they are clearly telling you yes.

It’s essential to make sure your partner’s “yes” means “I definitely want to do this” rather than “I don’t really want to, but I’ll go along with it.”

If you’re ever not sure, ask. If someone says yes, but doesn’t look like they really want to say yes, then double-check.

Consent requires an enthusiastic “Yes!” from everyone involved.

#5 A kiss is not a contract

If someone consents to one thing, that doesn’t mean they consent to anything else. Each new step needs to be approved.

If you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy, just ask the other person if they want that.

By checking in with your partner during sexual activities you can they want to be doing what you’re doing, and that they are okay with the way you’re doing it.

Sometimes people don’t want to stop, but do but want or need to change something.

As well as asking your partner, tell them what you like, and what you don’t.

If you have trouble speaking during sex, practice saying things alone first.

“that feels good”

“a little slower”

“can I have more lube?”

“more fingers please”

And yes! You can make consent sexy!

#6 Consent can always be withdrawn

Consent can be withdrawn at any time.

Even if someone says yes to something once, they’re always allowed to change their mind and say no — at any time.

#7 Stealthing is rape

Removing or puncturing the condom is rape.

If someone has consented to sex based on a certain condition — such as wearing a condom or not ejaculating inside, any violation of this agreement is rape.

#8 No Consent? STOP!

f someone does not give consent, or says no, the other person MUST NOT do that thing.

If they are already doing something that a person said no to, they must stop immediately.

If they do not stop, or they use emotional or other pressure to make that person give in, this is assault or abuse.

#9 The Traffic Light system

The Columbia University Health Service came up with this system to help partners navigate consent.

Sometimes it can be hard to know what to do in different situations, so Columbia came up with three categories: Red Light = Stop, Yellow Light = Pause and Talk, and Green Light = Go ahead but keep communicating.

Red Light

If any of these things are happening, it’s not possible to have consensual sex right now. The following are all “Red Light” situations - meaning that you should stop sexual activity immediately.

• You or a partner are too intoxicated to gauge or give consent.

• Your partner is asleep or passed out.

• You hope your partner will say nothing and go with the flow.

• You intend to have sex by any means necessary.

Yellow Light

If any of the following situations apply, this is a “Yellow Light” - a sign that you need to pause and talk with your partner to find out what they want.

• You are not sure what the other person wants.

• You feel like you are getting mixed signals.

• You have not talked about what you want to do.

• You assume that you will do the same thing as before.

• Your partner stops or is not responsive.

Green Light

If any of these situations apply, it’s a “Green Light”. Go ahead with sexual activity, but keep communicating throughout to ensure that you and your partner are both enjoying yourselves.

• Partners come to a mutual decision about how far they want to go.

• Partners clearly express their comfort with the situation.

• You feel comfortable and safe stopping at any time.

• Partners are excited!

Consent must be the basis of every sexual encounter.

When someone engages in a sexual act without the other person's consent this is sexual assault or rape. Fundamentally, sexual consent requires communication. It is about communicating your wishes and desires, listening to your partner express theirs, and moving ahead with sexual activity only if you both agree.